Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The ManchesterEvening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( AberdeenEvening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" ( BournemouthEvening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news?
The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratfordand East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Monday, February 26, 2007
Bill Gates vs GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Liverpool vs Man Utd
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play
football and is suitably impressed. He arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me... the fans, the media - they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang
raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!"
His mother cries down the phone and says......................
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> It's all your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>
>
>
>
football and is suitably impressed. He arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me... the fans, the media - they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang
raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!"
His mother cries down the phone and says......................
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> It's all your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>
>
>
>
Stress
I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
STRESS
No Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
STRESS
No Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Learn Korean in 5 Minutes. Important - must read out LOUD
1.That’s not right……………………………………...Sum Ting Wong
2.Are you harbouring a fugitive…………Hu Yu Hai Ding
3.See me ASAP…………………………………………….....Kum Hia
4.Stupid Man…………………………………………………....Dum Gai
5.Small Horse………………………………………………....Tai Ni Po Ni
6.Did you go to the beach……………………….Wai Yo So Tan
7.I bumped the coffee table……………………Ai Bang Mai Ni
8.I think you need a face lift………..Chin Tu Fat
9.It’s very dark in here………………………………Wai so Dim
10.I Thought you were on a diet…………Wai yu Mun Ching
11.This is a tow away zone………………………No Pah King
12.Our meeting is scheduled for next week…………Wai Yu Kum Nao
13.Staying out of sight………………………………………..Lei Ying Lo
14.He’s cleaning his car…………………………….…………Wa Shing Ka
15.Your body odour is offensive………………………Yu Stin Ki Pu
16.Great………………………………………………………...........Fa Kin Su Pah
17.Give it to me Baby…………………………………………Suk mai Dong
18.England will win the next world Cup……………………..No Fu Kin Wai
19.Who’s been eating all the pies?...................Yo Fat Wan Ka
2.Are you harbouring a fugitive…………Hu Yu Hai Ding
3.See me ASAP…………………………………………….....Kum Hia
4.Stupid Man…………………………………………………....Dum Gai
5.Small Horse………………………………………………....Tai Ni Po Ni
6.Did you go to the beach……………………….Wai Yo So Tan
7.I bumped the coffee table……………………Ai Bang Mai Ni
8.I think you need a face lift………..Chin Tu Fat
9.It’s very dark in here………………………………Wai so Dim
10.I Thought you were on a diet…………Wai yu Mun Ching
11.This is a tow away zone………………………No Pah King
12.Our meeting is scheduled for next week…………Wai Yu Kum Nao
13.Staying out of sight………………………………………..Lei Ying Lo
14.He’s cleaning his car…………………………….…………Wa Shing Ka
15.Your body odour is offensive………………………Yu Stin Ki Pu
16.Great………………………………………………………...........Fa Kin Su Pah
17.Give it to me Baby…………………………………………Suk mai Dong
18.England will win the next world Cup……………………..No Fu Kin Wai
19.Who’s been eating all the pies?...................Yo Fat Wan Ka
Him and her
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in
£20, even though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
What a woman says :
C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.
What a man hears :
C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE
FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in
£20, even though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
What a woman says :
C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.
What a man hears :
C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE
FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW
From John Cleese To the Citizens of the U.S.A.
Message from John Cleese To the Citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
Independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
herapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you Japanese cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An Inland Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure their acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
Independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
herapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you Japanese cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An Inland Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure their acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
1981 and 2005
YEAR 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
YEAR 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
In the future, should Prince Charles decides to remarry, someone should warn the Pope.
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
YEAR 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
In the future, should Prince Charles decides to remarry, someone should warn the Pope.
Why oh Why
Why, Why, Why
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Diet
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.
And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that?
And Man said "Yes!"
And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips".
And lo, they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said "Try my fresh green salad".
And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own
platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of
salt.
And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em".
And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.
And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that?
And Man said "Yes!"
And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips".
And lo, they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said "Try my fresh green salad".
And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own
platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of
salt.
And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em".
And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Badminton Racket
Got another one broken the other day, which was the last one in my posession, that's it. Had to go to Preston and bought 2 of them, bought 2 just in case, manalah tahu just need a spare one.
Can't wait to try this new Charlton Graphite, think my old Armotec 800 OFF is better, but anyway, since I've managed to brake 3 rackets within the last 3 months, so who cares, Charlton will do for me. Tak larat dah nak beli expensive ones.
Can't wait to try this new Charlton Graphite, think my old Armotec 800 OFF is better, but anyway, since I've managed to brake 3 rackets within the last 3 months, so who cares, Charlton will do for me. Tak larat dah nak beli expensive ones.
Naik Gaji
Ingatkan naik gaji dah...have to wait till 1st April baru naik gaji. But this one is the annual increment so nothing really interesting, am waiting for the "restructure" salary upgrade.
Insyallah kalau ada rejeki commencing 1st August 2007. Should get almost 4 year increment straight away from G4 to G6. That is like almost working for the next 4/5 years....
So kira terrer jugak lah kan, all and all, been there for 4 1/2 year and as long as i can remember they've been 2 organizational restructure which only involving my salary increment BUT no other employees..hehehe, syukur Allhamdullilah.
Started with G3 then jump to G4 2 years after that, then now Insyallah from G4 to G6. From one G to the next G there are 4 points, so in other words from G3 to G4, one has to go through G3a, G3b, G3c,G3d then G4. That is 4 years increments, and to get from G3 to G6 should be 4x3=12 years. And yet I've done it within 4 1/2 years....cool, guess they just dont want to let me go in the near future.
I will definitely go, just not yet.
Insyallah kalau ada rejeki commencing 1st August 2007. Should get almost 4 year increment straight away from G4 to G6. That is like almost working for the next 4/5 years....
So kira terrer jugak lah kan, all and all, been there for 4 1/2 year and as long as i can remember they've been 2 organizational restructure which only involving my salary increment BUT no other employees..hehehe, syukur Allhamdullilah.
Started with G3 then jump to G4 2 years after that, then now Insyallah from G4 to G6. From one G to the next G there are 4 points, so in other words from G3 to G4, one has to go through G3a, G3b, G3c,G3d then G4. That is 4 years increments, and to get from G3 to G6 should be 4x3=12 years. And yet I've done it within 4 1/2 years....cool, guess they just dont want to let me go in the near future.
I will definitely go, just not yet.
Wednesday 14th - The Love Day
hmmm....got a Valentine card from my wife, so cute, feel guilty though that i didn't have anything for her. I know, tell me I'm a looser, but it's just that I am one of those people that oppose this Valentine day thingy. Love should be expressed and shown everyday as a matter of fact, EVERY second to your love ones, not only on this day...bla..bla
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